Some Different Scary Things to Dwell on All Day - The New Yorker

Photograph by Suzanne Tenner / Focus Features / Everett

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If you, like me, are tired of dwelling on the scary thing but find that you’re the kind of person who must be dwelling on some scary thing at any given moment, it may benefit you to put in some time dwelling on other scary things. Perhaps take a moment to turn your focus to one of these scary things:

• There are two kinds of people in the world—people who will accidentally turn the light off on you when you’re in the bathroom, and people who will purposely turn the light off on you when you’re in the bathroom.

• You keep your entire life on your laptop, but, if you trip and spill even one giant bowl of punch on it, it’s done.

• You did a lot of things in middle school to get popular enough to be invited to Ian Gallagher’s pool party, none of which you’ve thought about in a while.

• Sharks may have feelings, but they sure as hell don’t care about yours.

• There’s been no clinical research done on whether if you die in the game you die in real life, with regard to Animal Crossing.

• Annette Bening has never won an Oscar. Nominated four times. Has always gone home empty-handed. That isn’t scary—it’s just sad. What’s scary is that there’s nothing you can do to change that.

• You’ve probably spent two hundred dollars on photo-booth group photos in the course of your adult life, and I bet you couldn’t even tell me who half the people in them are.

• They never caught the Cleveland Torso Murderer! Active from 1935 to 1938, the Mad Butcher of Kingsbury Run claimed twelve victims in the Cleveland, Ohio, area. If he got started when he was, I don’t know, five, he could still be out there. . . .

• People gossip, like, two hundred per cent more than they claim to. And they do it about really personal stuff, like how good at sex you are and how many TV shows you haven’t made it all the way through.

• It’s a cliché to say that you could get hit by a meteor or an asteroid, but I bet you haven’t spent nearly enough time worrying about satellites, which fall from the sky onto well-meaning people all the time.

• Everything you ever put on the Internet is still there, somewhere, just waiting for someone to find it and put you in jail for writing fan fiction in which Snape and Odysseus kiss.

• If none of this works for you, you could just get really into archery, and then you won’t be scared of anything.

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Some Different Scary Things to Dwell on All Day - The New Yorker
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