Dear Prudence: My friend's mom said some terrible things about her. But uh, she's right. - Slate

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

One of my best friends of over a decade, “Grace, ” has long struggled with very specific mental health issues. I’m not a professional and I generally have no interest in diagnosing people, but it’s so clear to me that her behavior aligns with OCD. For example, she’ll obsessively check the stove and door locks, catastrophize over very small issues, and exhibit magical thinking about how her personal good or bad behavior can influence how long her loved ones stay alive. She recently called me in tears because she sent a mildly passive-aggressive email to a colleague and she was imagining it going viral online for some reason and destroying her career. We talked about it for over an hour. I’m still haunted by the time I stayed with her because she had thoughts of hurting herself when she got COVID—she both felt like it was cosmic retribution for some terrible evil she had committed and also spiraled out about possibly killing the mail carrier she’d just said hello to from 30 feet away.

She knows the way she feels isn’t typical, but I think she lacks the perspective of how deeply this is affecting her life. I’ve watched her self-sabotage her career and relationships again and again, turning to pop remedies like weighted blankets, herbal tinctures, and unlicensed healers instead of therapy. I believe in the concept of self-care and nontraditional modalities, but you just can’t self-care your way out of such a profound struggle.

Here’s the problem: Grace’s mom is a jerk, and uses Grace’s symptoms as the scapegoat to cover up her unkindness. Basically, “You’re crazy and just need to be medicated. The way I’ve behaved is totally reasonable.” So the idea of seeking a diagnosis and getting medication help has been weaponized against her. Her narrative now is, “My mom is an asshole and everything she has to say is incorrect and mean-spirited,” which isn’t untrue—but as someone who loves her, I also really want her to seek professional help and consider medication. Is it reasonable for me to sit her down and explain that from my perspective she truly needs professional help? Obviously, I don’t want to alienate Grace and lose her trust, but at this point, the situation is dire enough that I think it’s worth the risk. How should I go about this?

—No One Wants to Hear Their Mom Is Right

Dear No One Wants to Hear,

I wonder if you can talk to Grace about getting help to handle all the stress she is dealing with rather than as treatment for a mental illness. Of course, the help is the same either way. But saying, “You are dealing with so much right now. You are deeply empathetic and worry a lot about how your actions may harm others, and your workplace stress over things like that email you sent is taking a toll on you. I’m happy to talk to you but I don’t always have the best advice or answers. I would love to help you find someone to speak to to manage everything that’s burdening you right now and get you some relief from this intense time you’ve been living through” sounds very different from, “You know what, your mom is right. You need to be diagnosed and medicated.”

Luckily, therapy is very mainstream at this point. Many, many people take advantage of it and are open about it. If you could nudge her in the door by framing it as self-care, self-help, or something close to even life coaching, she might feel less defensive. On a practical level, it’s tough to find the right provider. So I suggest acknowledging that and offering to help her conduct a search and make an initial appointment. If she declines, know that you’ve done what you can do but the next time she shares thoughts of hurting herself, take her at her word and do whatever is necessary to protect her, even if you worry about alienating her.

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Dear Prudence,

Earlier this year, I got into a heated argument with a well-liked person in my family. I don’t think the argument was unjustified and it happened after they were somewhat belligerent to me. I never said anything terrible, I just stood up for myself. Only three of my family members out of a very large extended family reached out after that. Since then, I have wondered about my feelings about the event—whether I am embarrassed because I know people in my family thought it was embarrassing or whether I feel embarrassed because I feel truly embarrassed. I have not gone to a family gathering since.

However, one of my cousins is hosting Christmas this year and she invited me to her house. I am unsure of whether I am considering not going because of embarrassment or because I just don’t want to be around my family. I have a feeling it will be very awkward. I enjoy many of my family members, but many, especially the older generation, seem a bit ambivalent about me and my life choices. The family member I got into an argument with will not be there and it will mostly be people I like. Do you think I should go?

—Not So Holly-Dolly

Dear Holly-Dolly,

Pulling back from family is a pretty drastic and consequential move. Don’t get me wrong, it’s the right choice for many people. I often hear from people who have been abused or mistreated or who have tried and failed to insist on better treatment. If you told me everyone at this gathering had a history of being mean to you, or that the idea of attending was causing you unbearable anxiety, I’d urge you to skip out. But we are just dealing with one big argument constrained to one belligerent person, and a bunch of relatives some of whom you actually like, and some who are in a gray area.

You should go! Hang out with the cousins your age, the one aunt who raised eyebrows with her own life choices, and the babies. I would hate to see you deprive yourself of these family connections, which are so valuable in a world in which so many people struggle with loneliness, just because everyone you’re related to isn’t awesome, because of one misunderstanding, or because of a moment in which you possibly weren’t your best self. And when you’re sitting on the couch next to one of your safe people, try saying something like this: “I’m really glad we’re getting this time together. I was feeling weird and a little embarrassed about the argument I had last time and I almost didn’t come.” I’m willing to bet that your relative, who knows the details of the fight better than I do, will confirm your gut feeling that you did absolutely nothing wrong. They might even weigh in with a joke or small, snide comment about that belligerent family member, unlocking another level of bonding between the two of you.

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Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend is a very small, pretty, androgynous-looking guy. Even as a kid in a school uniform and a crew cut, people sometimes asked him if he was a girl. He grew up outside of the U.S. in a moderately homophobic environment. No violence but lots of bullying. His parents are very religious and were also not happy with him. I grew up in the U.S. and am very masc-looking and saw plenty of homophobic violence and behavior growing up. I only faced teasing, probably because I look like what people expect straight boys and men to look like. I’m fine, but upstate New York in the 2000s definitely left an impression. I’m overall straight-passing still and don’t face much risk.

As adults, we live in a very queer-friendly city and it’s mostly fine. Professionally both of us work in fields not known for progressiveness and we handle it very differently. That’s OK but we have really different boundaries when it comes to things like acquaintances and travel. He shrugs off very homophobic comments and Trump flags and finds trips to Tampa completely OK. He often states, “It’s the U.S., nothing can really happen.” Meanwhile, I don’t want to even hang out at a party if someone who called me a F-word is going to be there. I’m usually a lot safer in those situations than he is because of appearances but somehow I’m the more cautious one. We’re trying to blend friend groups and plan travel at the two-year mark in our relationship and there’s so much conflict. What do I do about this?

—Different

Dear Different,

There’s no rule that says your boyfriend gets to pull you into uncomfortable situations just because he stands to face worse treatment than you do, or because he doesn’t care as much. Not wanting to be at a party with someone who’s used a slur against you is a pretty reasonable stance, if you ask me. Your conflict here could represent a deeper difference in temperament—maybe he’s just more happy-go-lucky and you’re wound up a bit tighter.

But it could also signal that you’re not aligned when it comes to your worldview. If he’s just less bothered by homophobia overall, that could potentially lead to conflicts about more than just travel and parties. Who will you be friends with? Where will you live if you decide to move out of the city? What kind of community do you want to be part of, and how will you use your free time, your resources, and your votes? Will he be able to be there for you if the struggles you faced growing up resurface and cause you emotional turmoil? Is he less thoughtful about other social issues, shrugging off anything that doesn’t represent a clear and immediate physical threat to him? Are you going to be expected to entertain his friend who wears a Confederate flag sweater on Thanksgiving? Just some things to think about. Or you don’t have to overcomplicate things. Simply saying, “We have so much conflict. This isn’t working out” is enough.

Classic Prudie

I hate my son’s girlfriend of 13 years. They are high school sweethearts who are now 30 and talking about buying property and eventually starting a family together. He currently lives at home and helps pay my mortgage, among other things. If he leaves, I will be forced to sell the house and adjust to a new lifestyle. I feel she will keep me away from my son when they move out.

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Dear Prudence: My friend's mom said some terrible things about her. But uh, she's right. - Slate
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